Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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