So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
