I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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