Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I want you more than these girls want KFC
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
