Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
