We're facebook friends in real life
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
