allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
