My Higher Power is John Stamos
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
