so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My bed smells like the plague
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
