so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
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