i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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