When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
