Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
