I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
