I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
