1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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