A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
we made out on top of his cat.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
