i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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