Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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