he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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