Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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