i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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