I need help removing her.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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