1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
