no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
