Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
