so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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