I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
