What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
