If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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