the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
