when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
