As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
They took my balls.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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