matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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