Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
