my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We left the knife in your bed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
