i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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