Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
