May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Houston, we have a blender
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
