with your own penis?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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