I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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