you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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