I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
