I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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