OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
