I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
