Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
