Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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