I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
