I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry about my life...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
