In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
