Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
